In a post-game interview last evening with sports anchor Dan Patrick, New York Giants tight end Timothy Stephens gave his theories on his team’s recent string of successes.
Stephens:
“Football is an intelligent sport, Dan–a mind game, if you will–and we’re an intelligent team. We study the plays and we become smarter. It’s just a game of the mind, Dan. That’s all. It’s about confusing your opponent without confusing yourself. And we keep on confusing them.”
Patrick:
“Is that why you wore your jersey backwards for the entire game?”
Stephens:
“Sh*t.”
Patrick:
“Well there’s no arguing that you guys are a force to be reckoned with out there. So what has been the greatest influence on your collective intelligence? The coaching, the playbook, or the players themselves?”
Stephens:
“I think the heart of the matter goes deeper than that, Dan. Intelligence is about resolve. Resolve and strong endorphins.”
Patrick:
“Endorphins?”
Stephens:
“Endorphins, Dan.”
Patrick:
“Okay. So how about Adam Gilbert’s performance tonight?”
Stephens:
“Absolutely amazing, Dan. Especially when you think that just two years ago he walked onto the field without ever having played a day of football in his life.”
Patrick:
“And the sport hasn’t been the same since.”
Stephens:
“No, it certainly hasn’t. That guy has introduced more new plays to the game in a single year than most coaches have in their entire careers.”
Patrick:
“And many of those plays are responsible for launching this team to its current state of prominence. But how does he do it? What’s his secret?”
Stephens:
“Well there’s been a lot of speculation about that Dan, but I think a close analysis of those plays will show a lot of Japanese influence.”
Patrick:
“Japanese? Really?!”
Stephens:
“Oh sure. Take for example our winning play this evening. We may call it “Rancid Cesspool at the 40″ but it’s clearly patterned after the climactic scene in one of Kabuki theater’s greatest performances.”
Patrick:
“Madame Butterfly?”
Stephens:
“The stage adaptation of Welcome Back Kotter.”
Patrick:
“Of course.”
Though he did not go into detail about the role that endorphins have played in this season’s winning streak, he did seem to indicate that it was a mind game. When asked to comment on fellow teammate Derek Mondeau’s recent outstanding feats of machismo and god-like performance on the field, Stephens responded by bucking like a donkey and making gurgling noises. Mondeau could not be reached for comment.