Sentimentality is the Achilles Heel of epic films.
Sometimes, just when I think I have the Hollywood movie machine pretty well figured, along comes a film that completely amazes me. Allow me to end the suspense now by telling you that “Troy” is not one of those films. For a time, I thought movies were getting better; Hollywood was becoming a bit less formulaic and a bit more original in its storytelling. I now realize, however, that in reality I’ve simply become better at choosing good movies and filtering out the cinematic waste. Then again, perhaps not.
“Troy” was everything I’ve come to expect from a Hollywood epic. Aside from being replete with palpably trite statements like “It’s too early in the morning for killing princes,” (translation: “It’s too early in the film for killing major characters”) it employed the all-important tactic of what I call the Sympathetic Duel in which a character may only kill another character of an equal or lesser pay grade. Extras may kill only extras, and the supporting actors, while permitted to eliminate extras by the droves, are to be killed only by one other. Naturally, the highest paid actor can be slain only, in this case, by Orlando Bloom who has a relatively small role but, more importantly, the second highest name recognition.
Also revoltingly inserted into this story were the various subplots of great ardor between absolutely everyone appearing in the end credits. Especially nonsensical was the love affair between Achilles and Random Temple Priestess who, by my estimate, was easily pushing sixteen and a half. I’m still struggling to understand why this great warrior, who routinely chooses to end human lives with as much moral conflict as I experience selecting Coke over Pepsi, insists on risking his life to protect this single person. Perhaps it is because she is so young. And perhaps this movie should be forbidden in the United States.
If I had to guess (and I must, because I absolutely refuse to do research), there are basically two groups of people who will like this movie — those who greatly enjoy hand-to-hand combat and anyone who is a large fan of Brad Pitt’s bottom, which makes several cameo appearances. Inasmuch as I am neither of these types of people, I can’t honestly say that this film did much to entertain me beyond the few well-choreographed “Achilles slaughters everyone” scenes. In all, I give it two fingers up, though I’m not saying which two.